Individuals often discuss a particular grief that has no clean name. It is not the type of grief that we experience when a loved one passes away. It is like a living, grief. We know that the individual we have lost access to is still alive, they are growing, and playing and or waking up everyday and living their daily routine. Their life is ongoing, but we are not there and a part of their lives in the way we think we should be.
For many expats in Southeast Asia, whether it is Thailand, Indonesia, The Philippines or Malaysia, this is not a
hypothetical statement. Many expats have travelled to the region for a reason. Some of them came to retire, others because the life they had at home, just wasn’t doing it for them, and some it just became too expensive to live, and a
much better option to relocate somewhere else.
Wherever they came from, they built something new, maybe they fell in love, or met someone and they had a
child. And then the circumstances that followed were unexpected. Maybe the relationship ended badly, a visa expired, it was a romance scam, a legal dispute began, or the person they were seeing had multiple partners and or was cheating. Whatever the circumstances, you are now outside the country and unable to be there on a regular basis or you’re the mother or father of your child denies you access to them. The child is there and you cannot find a way back into their life.
If this is your situation, you already know that a lot of people are just not going to understand your situation. They may try to help and offer sympathy and try to relate by discussing something that happened in their own life, a long distance relationship they went through, a divorce or child custody battle back in your home country. But, what you are carrying right now is something different and it is a lot more painful than other people may fully understand.
Why This Type of Grief is Different
Grief usually has a common pattern that is recognisable. An individual passes away, something ends in our lives and we move through the loss over time. Maybe, it is difficult to accept the reality of the loss and the person experiences the pain of the loss, before adjusting to a new environment without the lost person or thing, and reinvesting in a new version of ourselves and a new reality. However, the grief of separation from a child is different because they are still alive and the situation does not resolve, it perpetuates. Their child is somewhere doing something now, eating, saying something funny, smiling, or they learned something new without you. The grief in this instance, is not singular it is a series of multiple losses, happening everyday.
There is also a particular sense of helplessness in this kind of situation that is difficult to manage. As parents we want to be there for our child’s developmental milestones and celebrations. This desire to be there and be a parent, this is part of our identity. But when circumstances make this outside of our own control or make it nearly impossible, whether it is that the legal system in another country does not favour us, we are financially restricted, cannot obtain the appropriate visa, or an ex-partner is blocking access the gap between who you feel you should be and what you should be doing and who you currently are, and are currently able to can feel worlds apart.
We may even blame ourselves for circumstances outside of our control. Maybe we trusted someone and could not see what was coming later on down the road. Other days we may feel a sense of guilt we feel for not being able to be there for our child, or maybe we are feeling guilty because we are somewhere else enjoying a meal somewhere, while our child is somewhere else.
The Weight of Those Small Moments
Often times people expect the big moments will be the hardest. For example, not being able to attend your child’s birthday or a milestone. However, some of the most painful moments, as some parents will tell you is the small moments that really wear them down over time.
It could be the bedtime routine that belonged to you and now someone else is there doing it. It could be the nickname you gave your child or the way they looked at you when they saw you in the morning or upon your return. But now you may not be able to see their face and be in their presence and even the parent you
became in their presence feels as if it has been lost or is gone. But there is still part of you that is a parent.
You are Still a Parent.
When you have a child, it can change how we see ourselves at a fundamental level. There is a version of us that only exists in relation to them – our perspective of the world can also radically shift, and things that once mattered to ourselves, are no longer important. Perhaps we are trying to become a different person and
are attempting to change in some way for their sake or future. The gap between our identity as a parent and the ability to act on it due to geography is difficult.
Some people in this situation pour everything they have into trying to stay connected. Maybe they reach out with a barrage of emails, attempt to plan future visits, or document parts of their life so they have something to share.
While others, find the pain of contact or the whole situation too overwhelming so they pull back from their child, but then feel bad and guilty for pulling away. Both strategies are just a method of coping with the situation.
You Are Not a Failure
Sometimes too, parents begin to think the situation is feedback or a verdict for who they are as a parent. But the circumstances that led us here are probably not simple situations and sometimes they are not fair. The love you have for your child will never change because of the distance you share between geography. The fact
that you are carrying this grief and pain is a sign that you are carrying the weight and the pain of not being able to be there with your child. This is what it looks like when a parent is unable to be with their child. These circumstances are very difficult.
If you have read this far and it sounds familiar, there is something worth saying clearly: this situation is not a verdict on who you are as a parent. Getting psychological support for this situation and processing the grief will not mean that we are giving up, it simply means processing these emotions will make things easier for our child, so that when things do change, the weight of the situation will not affect our child.
At Kota Counselling, we work
with expats and travelers across the region who are dealing with exactly this type of loss.
If you would like to talk with someone Book a confidential session with Kota Counselling.